


The Last Steps Through This House of Ours

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Multi, Nostalgia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: Silence almost always has an emotion attached, stemming from the circumstances in which it occurs. When someone dies, the silence that falls could come from the shock, the devastation that your life is now changed forever, and you can't change it back. Silence can be awkward, terrifying, anticipated. There is silence that comes before anger, when someone is so enraged that silence must happen before you forget what silence is. It can come when everything is perfect that you can't find a reason to say anything else, content to just experience it.There is silence that exists when you are alone, when you can't bring yourself to say anything, when you can't handle having nobody to respond to you.





	The Last Steps Through This House of Ours

Silence almost always has an emotion attached, stemming from the circumstances in which it occurs. When someone dies, the silence that falls could come from the shock, the devastation that your life is now changed forever, and you can't change it back. Silence can be awkward, terrifying, anticipated. There is silence that comes before anger, when someone is so enraged that silence _must_ happen before you forget what silence is. It can come when everything is perfect that you can't find a reason to say anything else, content to just experience it.  
  
There is silence that exists when you are alone, when you can't bring yourself to say anything, when you can't handle having nobody to respond to you.  
  
The silence that exists in the backyard of their house, at a table that at one point in time would be far more occupied, is the last kind. One person sits alone now, chair creaking as a warm spring breeze passes over them and sweeps across their skin. The mug across from them wobbles but doesn't fall.  
  
"This yard looks like one you would have tea in," Alex mumbled. He pressed his face and hands against the glass door from their kitchen to their yard, eyes wide. Lafayette smiled, walked up behind him and wrapped their arms around his waist, tried to get him as close as possible.  
  
"We could do that" they responded, kissing his forehead. "Buy a table and then go out in the mornings before we go to work. Hercules could start the garden out back like he wants to, and John could steal all of the covers off of our bed and come join us when he wakes up at _noon_." Alex laughed and Lafayette watched the ideas form in his head like they always did, every detail coming together at once.  
  
Drinking tea together in the morning became a tradition between them. They would take the tray out before breakfast, sit and watch the sun move as the sky changed colors. Sometimes they would talk about work or whatever they were doing later that day, but most of the time they just sat there, comfortable with just being silent.  
  
The table they bought so many years ago is rusted now, tilted to one side. One of the legs is broken from when Lafayette kicked it down once, propped up with a block of wood Hercules found. Alex would've loved the table like this, would've said that its flaws made it unique, made it _theirs_ , made sure that they kept it until it fell to pieces. Lafayette supposes that that's why they keep it, because Alex would've wanted it, and even though it's been years, Lafayette is still powerless against him.  
  
Sometimes they think that Alex will come back, that any of them will come back. That one day Lafayette will sit at this table and wait, and then the glass doors in their kitchen will slide open and they'll all come through, apologize for being gone so long. Lafayette would forgive them, hold them close and never let them go again. It is a dream left only to be entertained in the mornings, when they are not awake enough to properly feel how it settles on their chest, so that they will forget by day's end how much it hurts.  
  
Hercules always loved gardening. He worked in a flower shop when Lafayette met him, just before they graduated law school and they'd only been dating Alex for a few months. Their heart stopped when they saw him, then switched to pounding in their chest so hard they could hear it.  
  
"How can I help you?" He asked, voice like honey, smile like the sun. He stared at Lafayette with wide eyes, warm brown, hands rested on the counter. Lafayette didn't know what to say.  
  
"Flowers," they stumbled, face turning red. Their hands came up to come to cover their face, trying to ignore Hercules' laugh that gave them butterflies. They can't believe they _said that_ , to one of the most beautiful people they have ever seen.  
  
Lafayette knows they shouldn't be thinking about this while they were trying to buy flowers for Alexander, but they've talked about dating someone else before. Lafayette kind of thought it would be John, someone they already knew, didn't think it would be someone Lafayette met in a flower shop that makes them feel as though they're on fire.  
  
"Anything you're looking for in particular?" He tried to see Lafayette through the gaps between their fingers, still grinning.  
  
They dragged their hands down their face, muttered, "They're for my boyfriend."  
  
Hercules smiled despite himself. "That's adorable," he said, rounded the counter and walked further into the shop, gesturing for Lafayette to follow him.  
  
They went home that night and told Alex about Hercules, saw the idea form in Alex's head but he didn't say anything so Lafayette didn't ask. The next night, Alex came home with a smile on his face, a bouquet of roses, and Hercules' number written down on the back of a business card.  
  
Lafayette didn't know then, that they'd be thinking of that moment as so far in the past. That both John and Hercules would love them back, that they'd buy this big of a house and decide to live their lives together. They didn't expect that John would be gone, Alex after him, Hercules after Alex, leaving Lafayette alone in their backyard wondering where all the time went.  
  
They water Hercules' plants still, won't let them die like he did in that garden. The watering can they use, the one he used, is white, four painted flowers on it with their initials in the center of each. John did it when Hercules started his garden, gave it to him as a gift. Hercules loved it, kissed him over and over and over again and didn't stop hugging him until he wanted to look at the watering can again.  
  
The flowers are still beautiful, but Lafayette swears they aren't as lovely as when Hercules was alive.  
  
Their kitchen exists as if frozen in time. An eerie silence fills it, stiff and still, every surface left to collect dust. Lafayette doesn't like to go in their kitchen, tries to take up as little space in it as possible as to not disturb anything. This house was _theirs_ , Lafayette technically only has right to one fourth of it. They know that Alex, John, and Hercules wouldn't have wanted them to do that, but they also know Alex didn't want to touch anything after John died, that Hercules locked up Alex and John's studio and refused to go where he didn't have to.  
  
Lafayette and John used to wash dishes together, at night when Hercules and Alex were cute enough to get out of it. Lafayette dried, unwilling to ruin their nails, and John rolled his eyes but still stuck his hands in the water and reached for whatever floated up first. Sometimes John stopped paying attention, stared out the window at the lights of the houses nearby. Lafayette took this opportunity to gather soap bubbles in their hands, put them on John's cheeks and then kiss him. What they would do to be able to kiss John one more time.  
  
They would give anything to have their life back. To have Alex slide in the room on his socks until he felt the sunlight from the window touch his skin, and Hercules would walk up behind him, resting his head on Alex's until Alex turned around and kissed him. Lafayette would trade the world just for John to drain the sink, pull out four wine glasses from the cabinet, join Alex and Hercules in their living room and drink wine together until the bottle was empty.  
  
The dish washing gets done quick, Lafayette trying to fix everything for when Eliza gets here. She checks in on them once a month to make sure they're okay, sits and has tea with them, sometimes coming for lunch. They cherish being with Eliza, the brightest person in their life still alive.  
  
Having Eliza's arms wrapped around them as tight as they are should be suffocating, but it isn't. It feels nice to be hugged again, if just for the fact that someone else is _here_. She's warm and smells like summer, like contentedness and everything soft. They hold on to each other for a while longer than necessary, both in tears, hands shaking.  
  
Lafayette always feels older around Eliza, like they were born eons before she was. Eliza shines, bright like a burning sun, eyes like stars and personality like a soft summer day with people you love that love you in return. She looks young, despite being the same age as them, like she will live forever, that not even the world collapsing to dust around her could phase her.  
  
The two of them sit together in the living room, which some people find unsettling due to all the pictures kept in there. They cover every surface, only the coffee table left clear. It wasn't always like that, but then John died, and Hercules put up pictures so he wouldn't forget what he looked like. Alex died and Lafayette cleared more space, Hercules after him and Lafayette rearranged the entire room. They sleep in there sometimes, when the feeling of being alone hurts too much.  
  
"Are you feeling alright?" Eliza asks. Her legs are intertwined with theirs on the couch, arms still around them.  
  
"As fine as I can be," they respond. Eliza nods, twists her wedding ring on her finger behind her back, understands the feeling. The matching wedding ring, still as beautiful as the day it was bought, hangs around her neck, the original owner gone now.  
  
Adrienne grew up with Lafayette, childhood friends from the time they were infants. Their parents were both rich, allowing them to live a divine lifestyle akin to one of royalty. They cherished it, but tried not to let the wealth inflate their idea of who they were, never permitted it to make them feel as though they were superior. Adrienne always watched out for that, knocked Lafayette down a peg when they needed it, as they did in turn for her.  
  
They were engaged once, when their parents thought it would be good for them, when they tricked themselves into believing it. They enjoyed planning the wedding, but the further they got into it the more Adrienne realized this was not the life she wanted, and Lafayette realized that Adrienne was not the person they loved. They had their whole life to find them, and settling down this young with their closest friend was a sure way to prevent that from happening.  
  
They called off the wedding, thankfully, and their families let them with minimal resistance. They moved shortly after that, away from the only place they'd ever seen to a world completely new to them.  
  
Lafayette still has their engagement rings, tucked away in a box in their bedroom, collecting dust from being abandoned so long. They should get them out later.  
  
"Could you come over tomorrow?" Lafayette asks as they guide Eliza to the front door. "I know that this is usually a once a month thing, but I think I'm going to need someone tomorrow."  
  
Eliza stops, turns further towards them. "Are you sure you're alright, dear?"  
  
"I'll be fine," they promise. Eliza doesn't believe it, the concerned look in her eyes never leaving, but she kisses them on the cheek and Lafayette closes the door behind her, once again alone in the empty house.  
  
John always loved the living room the most. He would sit here for hours, sometimes alone, most of the time with Hercules. They wouldn't do anything, just sit next to each other, sometimes not even touching, and rest in the comfortable silence that settled in between them, warm like coming home.  
  
John put up most of the pictures before he died, just so they could talk about the time that passed between each one.  
  
"You're ridiculous," Hercules remarked, arms crossed over his chest. John was putting a picture of Hercules and Alex on their end table, placing it next to a picture of himself and Lafayette. He didn't notice them standing in the doorway.  
  
"I'm not! Admit it, Hercules, you love this."  
  
"I really don't," Hercules responded. John rolled his eyes, took another picture from the stack on the couch, and handed it to Hercules, standing up on his toes to kiss him on the forehead. Hercules pulls John closer, kissing him and dropping the frame on the couch.  
  
"I love you, though," he whispered, forehead pressed against John's.  
  
"I love you too, but I also want all these pictures put up so we can love each other later."  
  
Hercules groaned but followed John around the room, listening to John's directions on where to put everything. Lafayette stopped watching, instead going back into the kitchen to help Alex make dinner.  
  
The last pictures John put up were supposed to tell a story, set on the table in a sequence. It was the story of how they got together, watered down to the simplest explanation, but it let Lafayette fill in the pieces when they thought about it. It was something they needed now, to remember the pieces of their relationship that weren't just the basics.  
  
The first photo is just of Alex. Lafayette took it the morning after they got together, so happy that Alex was finally theirs that they had to take a picture to look back at someday. He seems so young, sitting on Lafayette's kitchen counter in nothing but a sweater, his glasses, and the bun in his hair. He's leaning back against the cabinet, eyes closed, soft smile on his face. Lafayette loved him so much.  
  
Adrienne dragged Lafayette through the parking lot of an amusement park they didn't want to be at, an almost punishing grip on their wrist. The heels of their sneakers dug into the soft ground as they tried to resist her but she was too strong, pulled them along until they found Eliza and Alexander sitting on a bench near the entrance.  
  
In the end, Eliza and Adrienne wound up leaving Lafayette and Alexander about an hour in, ditching them in favor of doing whatever couples do when they go on dates in amusement parks. As soon as they were around a corner and out of sight, Lafayette's phone went off with two texts from Adrienne.  
  
_sorry!!_ _  
__  
__or am I ;^))))_ _  
__  
_ They didn't text back to ask what she meant, Alexander standing next to them being enough of an answer. Adrienne was trying to set him up with her girlfriend's best friend. They would be offended if he wasn't so fucking _cute_.  
**  
** "They planned this," Alex almost hissed, reading his own text messages from Eliza. He was bright red, making Lafayette smile. He always made Lafayette smile.  
  
Alexander didn't scream on rollercoasters, Lafayette noticed, just laughed as loud as he could until the ride stopped and he could catch his breath again. He liked the pirate ship rides better though, the huge ones that swung back and forth like pendulums to dangerously high levels. They terrified Lafayette to no end, but Alex just giggled his way through the whole thing, so they went on with him just to hear it. He ate cotton candy off the stick instead of ripping it off in pieces and he only liked diet soda, ate kettle corn like he was trying to make a career out of it.  
  
Getting to know Alex was one of the best parts of getting to fall in love with him, and Lafayette still thinks they had more to find out before he died.  
  
"Hopefully I'll see you again," Alex told them as he scribbled down his number on a napkin and handed it to Lafayette.  
  
"Come on, Alex, I want to be home before midnight!" Eliza called, despite the fact that her arms were still wrapped around Adrienne with no intent on leaving.  
  
"On my way!" He kissed Lafayette on the cheek and ran to catch up with his ride home.  
  
Adrienne slid their arms around Lafayette's torso, half asleep, placing the car keys in Lafayette's hand. "So, you and Alex?"  
  
"Let's go home."  
  
They started dating a year after that, halfway through their last year of school, trying to study but one of them kept getting distracted by the other. Lafayette would braid Alex's hair while they revised and pretended they couldn't hear the quiet sounds Alex made as they did, and in turn Alex would hug Lafayette from behind and _accidentally_ brush his hands across a spot on their neck that made them shiver.  
  
The night ended in their studying being forgotten, Lafayette's bed needed for other things.  
  
"We're going to fail this fucking class, you know that right?" Alex's hand traced shapes delicately on Lafayette's stomach in the darkness.  
  
"We can worry about it tomorrow," they groaned. Alex made a noise to argue just as Lafayette kissed him, and the words died in his throat as he kissed back.  
  
The second photo on the table is of John and Hercules, a polaroid picture in a frame too large to fit it. They're hugging in the photo, Hercules pouring out his soul and John melting into it. Alex and Lafayette were in the background, out of focus, which leads Lafayette to wonder who took the photo.  
  
John always worried about himself, about being too distant, too loud, too _much_. He was terrified that nobody would ever love him and scared of the people that did. He liked to balance on the line between affectionate and distant. John would kiss Alex on the cheek and then sit across the room from him, would avoid looking at him for the rest of the night. He hugged Hercules a second longer than he thought he should and he wouldn't say a word to any of them for an hour. It was difficult for John to love them, but it didn't stop him.  
  
Lafayette wasn't there when Hercules asked John out, but they were there when Hercules came to their apartment and started screaming about it, yelling like he never did.  
  
"I think I made a mistake!" He yelled as he rushed into the living room.  
  
Alex pulled away from Lafayette to look at Hercules, his breathing uneven. He wiped his mouth and asked, "What did you do?"  
  
"I asked John to go on a date with me." He collapsed on the couch next to them, seemingly ignorant to what he walked in on.  
  
"What did he say?" Their voice was wrecked. Alex's ears perked up like they always did when he noticed something, his eyebrows shooting up on his forehead. Lafayette tried to ignore him, but they still kissed his jaw despite themself.  
  
"He agreed! I was watching him paint, like I always do because I'm in love with him and can't help myself, and I just fucking blurted it out. I literally went, 'Do you wanna go on a date with me sometime,' like a fucking _dumbass_ , and he stopped what he was doing, fucking said _yeah okay_ , and then kept painting! His face was so fucking red and I felt so bad because he doesn't need my gay ass trying to fuck up his entire life and I-"  
  
" _Hercules_ ," Alex interrupted. Hercules looked up, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. "You're going to do fine. John is going to love you even more than he already does, and you're going to get married and live the rest of your lives in happily wedded bliss."  
  
"Besides, if it doesn't work out, you could always join us," Lafayette offered, eyebrows wiggling, only one fourth joking. Alex tensed in their lap but Hercules didn't notice, and Lafayette spread their hand out wider on Alex's back to reassure him. Hercules was silent for a long time before forcing out a fake laugh.  
  
"Let me see how it works with John first," he replied, not agreeing but not denying the possibility. He got their hopes up too soon, let that comment alone make their hearts race months before anything happened.  
  
Lafayette understood, understands, why John said yes to Hercules. Hercules loved with his whole heart but he was undemanding, would let John settle into who he was and wouldn't rush him. Hercules wasn't like Lafayette and Alex. They were clingy, wanted to hang on to everything and never let go, to stick together as if they were glued to one another. They were overwhelming and overly affectionate and not something John would be able to handle right away. Hercules would go slow, gentle, wouldn't rush into things like Lafayette and Alex were prone to doing.  
  
The third picture is when Hercules getting their hopes up that one time paid off. It's when John got comfortable with exactly how loving Alex and Lafayette are. It's when Alex and Lafayette got what they'd been talking about for years.  
  
They didn't have a plan for Halloween that year, just bought costumes and walked around the city _looking_ for something to do.  
  
Lafayette forced Alex to go as Danny Zuko so they could go as Sandy, and Alex agreed just for the way Lafayette reacted the first time Alex put on that stupid leather jacket. John decided to go as a clown, big puffy costume complete with a ruffled collar and a cone shaped hat tied at his chin with a ribbon. Hercules didn't go in with as much enthusiasm, went as a skeleton and called it a day.  
  
The night progressed the more exhausted they got, with Alex hanging on John and John letting him. Alex acted drunk when he was close to sleeping but nowhere close to where he could sleep, which was funny sometimes, but  
  
"You're so good, John, you're such a good friend. I love you so much, did you know that? I think you're my best friend next to Hercules, behind Lafayette of course because I'm going to marry them one day," Alex rambled.  
  
"I appreciate that, love," Lafayette said, stepping closer to where their boyfriend was being all but dragged across the sidewalk by John, and running their fingers through his hair.  
  
"Y'know we wanted to date you, right? When we first met you we thought you were _beautiful_ , we still do. We used to talk about it all the time, then we met Hercules and we were like _fuck_ , because we were so gay already and now we had Hercules? He's _stunning_. You're getting really warm," Alex commented, pressing his face into John's neck.  
  
"I'm just dying, it's fine," John choked. Hercules stared everywhere but at Alex or Lafayette, holding onto his bag as tight as he can. Lafayette acted like this wasn't happening, face burning, listened to Alex as he continued.  
  
"That would be so sad if you died. I think I still love you? I mean, of course I love you, you're one of my best friends, but I mean like _love love_. I don't think I ever stopped loving either of you? Lafayette, what do we do about this?"  
  
Lafayette sighed. "First, you're going to sleep. We can deal with this tomorrow morning." Alex nodded and stumbled into Lafayette's arms, who hugged him close and kissed his forehead, hoping he didn't realize what he did before he fell asleep. They carried him up to their apartment, trying to ignore the sound of Hercules and John whispering as they walked.  
  
The next morning they woke up to Alex straddling them, staring at them wide-eyed. "What the fuck did I do last night?"  
  
"I think you know," Lafayette whispered. Alex whined, buried his face in their chest and wrapped his arms around them.  
  
"I ruined _everything_."   
  
Lafayette slid their hands up Alex's sweater and rubbed circles into his skin. Alex buried his face further into their shirt, breathing like he was about to cry.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, Alexander."  
  
"Are you kidding? I told John and Hercules that we loved them, that we still love them! I fucked everything up and now they're gone and it's all my fault. I'm so sorry."  
  
"They're downstairs on the couch, so they're not gone, and they didn't look upset when you told them."  
  
"John said he was dying."  
  
"So do you when the temperature drops below 70 degrees."  
  
"Fuck off," Alex grumbled, crawling off of them and out of their room, not thinking about the fact that he wasn't wearing pants. Lafayette shrugged and followed him, equally as pantsless and just as scared for what was going to happen next.  
  
John's clown makeup was smeared, his red nose drifting off somewhere to his cheek, heart shaped lips turned into a smile that really went from ear to ear. Hercules' costume was still on, the shitty skeleton jumpsuit comfortable enough to pass out in.  
  
"We have to talk," Alex said, shaking John awake. He groaned and rolled over to face Alex, didn't say a word and barely opened his eyes before grabbing Alex by the front of his shirt and kissing him. Alex made a sound akin to a squawk but kissed back anyway, eyes fluttering shut, cheeks turning red.  
  
"Five more minutes," John muttered, turning on his stomach on top of Hercules and falling back asleep, smirking.  
  
"Still think that you fucked everything up?" Lafayette questioned. Alex hits them in the chest with a throw pillow.  
  
Lafayette took the picture later that day, with John's skin glowing after he washed all the clown makeup off. Alex was lying on top of John after he tackled him, their bodies half in Hercules' lap. They were all laughing, relishing in the happiness that getting together gave them. Lafayette took the picture as quick as they could, eager to join them on the couch, to finally kiss Hercules like they wanted to since the day he helped them buy flowers for Alex, to be able to press their lips to John's skin and make sure he was okay like they always hoped they'd be able to.  
  
Lafayette loved them so much. Why did they have to leave?  
  
Other pictures are dotted around the room. John sitting on the balcony of their first apartment, Alex lying in the grass with Hercules looking up at the blue sky above them. There was a photo of Lafayette, standing in the doorway of this house, smile wide on their face, so much younger than they are now. The last pictures of them ever taken sitting on the mantle, a candle in front of each, light so bright in their eyes that would go out so quick after.  
  
The night sneaks up on them in their nostalgia, the orange sky melting into dark purple without them noticing. The moon was clear in their window, glimmering stars so often blocked out by the city visible now. They were glittering like precious stones, Lafayette wanted to reach out their window and touch them, hold them in their hands and watch them shine.  
  
"The stars look so beautiful," John whispered, sitting next to Lafayette on the windowsill. He was wrapped up in two blankets, hair falling in dark curls to his shoulders, eyes gleaming, freckles standing out in the light of the moon.  
  
"Not as beautiful as you are," Lafayette responded. Being with John gave them a warm feeling in their chest, late at night with Alex and Hercules asleep in their bed upstairs, just the two of them in silence. John's hand brushed against theirs, and it still sent shivers down their spine even though it had been years.  
  
John grinned, nose touching the glass. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
John kissed them, soft and sweet and yearning, like he was asking for something Lafayette did not have to give. His hand cradled the back of their head, leaning all of his weight on them. He was crying when he pulled away, tears dripping down gentle cheekbones.  
  
"Don't leave me." John's voice cracked as he spoke. He blushed after he spoke, eyes darting down, more tears spilling.  
  
"I would never," they promised.  
  
John died two weeks after that, and Lafayette can't help but think that maybe the stars were not made for them to reach.  
  
Sleep is calling them home like a siren, and the tiles feel cold against their feet as the walk across the parlor. There is a painting of the four of them, haunting, meaning behind every brush stroke. John painted it during his dark period, when most of the things he created looked like something you would find in a haunted house, untouched for centuries, ghost stories in abundance to be told and passed around for speculation.  
  
It's hung so that no light hits it, only when the front door opens do you notice is beauty, eyes gleaming at you, following you as you crossed them, harrowing. Lafayette always thought that if they moved on, they'd leave the painting up, and whomever they took home would have to look at it before anything else happened. What would happen after that Lafayette never figured out, but it never mattered. They never moved on, couldn't, still in love as they were the day they got together, even if no one was there to love them back.  
  
A sleek black curtain is pinned up above the painting, the ribbon cord hanging down. Lafayette pulled the cord when John died, and Alex put it back up the next week because he couldn't stand looking at it. Hercules pulled it when Alex died, and Lafayette was the one who put it back, because Alexander hated it and he wouldn't have wanted it down. They pulled it when Hercules died, and Eliza must have put it back up, not wanting Lafayette to mourn any longer with that constant reminder.  
  
With a tear in their eye, Lafayette pulls the smooth cord once, watching how it falls, and turning out of the parlor.  
  
The walk up the stairs was a difficult one, their knees cracking, legs shaky. The wood creaks with each step they take, heart pounding in their ears as they reach the top. If they close their eyes they could imagine a time when they would run up these stairs in heels, eager to climb in bed next to the loves of their life and forget about the world that existed beyond the walls of their house.  
  
They stop in front of the doors to the study, the one Alex and John shared, the one Hercules destroyed after Alex died.  
  
It was the only time Lafayette ever saw Hercules violent, the only time they were ever afraid to go near him. He ripped down books from their bookshelves, paint splattered on the floor, John's easel broken in two, splintered wood exploding. Broken pencils, paint brushes, pages ripped out of books and journals and sketches torn in two. Alex's keyboard was thrown across the room and knocked over John's art supplies cabinet, charcoal and colored pencils spilling. The walls were covered in paint and scrapes of pencils and crayons along the white, dents from spines of books being launched with the strength Hercules had.  
  
He cried after he did it, collapsed in Lafayette's arms and wouldn't move for hours. He put the whole thing back together himself when Lafayette was at work, flattening out book pages and fitting them back into their original places, far from perfect but he was too upset to try beyond that. Hercules organized the books the way Alex put them when he was alive, making sure nothing was out of place. He couldn't replace the easel or the supplies, but he tried his hardest to put everything back, made stints for the easel legs so it would at least stand up again.  
  
Lafayette found him in there when they came home, sitting on the rug sobbing. If you didn't look at the details, it looked perfect, just as John and Alex had it. It looked like they would come back, usher Hercules and Lafayette out to work together in silence for hours. Later, Alex would come into their room and collapse, but wouldn't actually fall asleep until John came in from washing all of the paint off of him. He would lay down between them, smelling like vanilla and something unique to him, and they would fall asleep together until morning when Alex and Lafayette would wake up to go have tea in their garden.  
  
The door to the study was always locked, but the key was stuck inside so if the impossible ever did happen, Alexander wouldn't have to panic, could just unlock the door and pick up where he left off. John could come home, jump up the stairs two at a time and pick up one of his few brushes left in tact and start something new, something amazing.  
  
Their bedroom down the hall, glaring, _waiting_ , and they approach it with a calm reverence.  
  
The day John died, their world collapsed around them. He was killed by a person he helped send to jail, died in the name of vengeance and cruelty. Lafayette didn't see it happen, but Alex did, called them on the phone screaming, voice hoarse already, harsh breathing. Lafayette didn't understand what Alexander meant until they were standing with Hercules in the mortuary, John lying below them, skin pale, lips cracked and tinted blue. The curls Lafayette used to run their fingers through now hung at his shoulders, limp and lifeless like the rest of him.  
  
They lock the door to the study, pocketing the key and stepping away, getting closer to their bedroom.  
  
Alexander died the way he always joked he would, from stroke at his desk. Their work day was over, Lafayette anxious to go home and see Hercules, texting Alex over and over again to hurry up so that they could leave. Fifteen minutes passed before they gave up, walked all the way up to his office again and found him hunched over and unconscious. Lafayette thought he fell asleep, shook his shoulders to wake him, but he wouldn't answer. They shook him harder, screamed when they realized, their world again crashing and burning around them.  
  
Someone had to have called Hercules for them, because he showed up without Lafayette ever telling him where they were and what happened. He was crying by the time he got here, wrapped his arms around them, didn't get mad when Lafayette didn't cry and instead shut down, mind devoid of any thought.  
  
They close each door as they pass them. Guest room, bathroom, guest room, until all that's left is their own room, which they close the door of behind them.  
  
When Hercules died, from a heart attack in their garden, and Lafayette was left all alone, they sat in their living room for days. They still wore their funeral clothes, until Eliza came and forced them to eat, pushed them into a shower and sat outside the door until they were done. They still returned to the couch in their living room, wondering what they would do with this house they all lived in. It was too big for one person, but they ended up not being able to part with it.  
  
They slide onto the mattress and under their covers, the same ones John used to wrap around himself like a cocoon, dragging it with him when he would join them in the backyard in the morning. Resting their folded hands on their stomach, they close their eyes and wait.  
  
It does not come they way they feel it would. They assumed it would come instantly, and when it got here they would follow it until darkness consumed them. Instead it greets them like an old friend, like the people who left them until they were the only one still breathing. It feels like Alex's lips on theirs, John holding their hand, Hercules' arms around their waist. It's washes over them like fatigue, like the ocean lapping at the sand, covering them as they slip under.  
  
Their breathing evens out and then slows down, until nothing is left throughout the house but silence.

**Author's Note:**

> haha this was my camp nano and it was supposed to be 10k but it wasn't because I'm t r aSH!!
> 
> tumblr: lol-phan-af!!


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